I like chocolate...no...I adore chocolate. My love for the dark pheromone-inducing nectar began when I was a wee child, and it has lasted all my life. Doubtless, it will continue to rule my modicum of common sense until they bury me in the ground. Over the years, my cultivated tastes quite naturally led to weight problems and, recently discovered, the onset of diabetes. Oh, the humanity!
My foray into a diabetic life was not met with joy. I languished for weeks, certain that I would go insane without my most favorite food. My wife showed the utmost sympathy as I moped around the house, uttering all sorts of gibberish, by showing me the various substitutes for sugar-laden chocolate. Slowly, I came out of my funk and realized that all was not lost. I could eat and sometimes truly enjoy sugar-free candies.
Now, I sample just about any sugar-free confection I can find in the store. Some, like the big-brand varieties (the ones you see around Valentine's day) taste far too sweet. An overabundance of maltotol or sucralose does not a sugary sweet make. Others, mostly small-shop brands, tend to cook the chocolate a bit wrong and their candy gets brittle and crystalline far too quickly.
It was during one of my lunchtime foraging campaigns in a local high-priced food store that I found a package of Asher's Sugar Free Caramels. I thought I'd give them a try, since I also like caramel, and I was in the mood to put something sweet in my mouth. The 4-oz package contained about 8 pieces and my initial observation concluded that the candy was in a good state--not old or crumbly.
I popped one in my mouth when I got back to the office and sat back to let it melt all over my taste buds. The caramel, as caramel is wont to do, refused to melt quickly enough, so I began to chew it down. Anyone who has chewed caramel knows that it is not a hard substance, but rather quite tacky and prone to stick to your teeth.
The caramel had mostly vanished into my stomach, when I suddenly bit down on something hard. Because I have two implants, both rearmost lower molars, the crunch in my mouth was not very loud. In fact, I began to worry, thinking something really bad happened. I ran to the bathroom and spit out the remainder of the caramel in the sink. Along with the tacky candy, two odd items came out: a small ball bearing, and a bit of porcelain.
The porcelain, I soon realized, was part of my right-hand crown. The tiny round, metallic object was apparently embedded in the caramel. I was, to say the least, quite pissed off. The crown was less than a year old, and very expensive. The pain I went through to get the implant makes a great horror story that I may tell some other time. At the moment I looked at the damage in the sink, I knew I was going to spend a lot of money fixing something that should not break.
I wrote Asher's and told them of the metal in their caramel. They were very nice, but I could never shake the resentment I felt because my tongue kept touching the oddly-shaped tooth
I went to the dentist a few days later and heard the news I expected: The crown was chipped badly and it had to be replaced. So, the requisite bucketload of money and pain later, I found myself with a new crown.
At least this one fit better than the last.
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